


When the Rabbit Gets the Gun

by Whoareyou0000



Category: Zombieland (2009)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Facing the past, Implied Slash, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Violence, brave Columbus, protective Tallahassee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-02-18 13:02:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21561562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whoareyou0000/pseuds/Whoareyou0000
Summary: Columbus was running from someone when he met Tallahassee on the highway. Now, that someone is back to collect his prey. Columbus/Tallahassee
Relationships: Columbus/Tallahassee (Zombieland)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 224





	When the Rabbit Gets the Gun

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Columbus, Tallahassee, or the apocalyptic wasteland that they live in. CW for violence, rape, and gore. 
> 
> Author’s Note: So, I’ve always wondered why Columbus was so afraid of Tallahassee when they first met on the road, especially since he was talking about wanting so badly to see another human face. But what if he thought Tallahassee was someone else, someone he already knew and was running from? AU- Columbus and Tallahassee never met Wichita and Little Rock.

“I’m just sayin, ankles need some breathin’ room too. It can’t be healthy running from zombies with the blood cut off from your feet.” 

Tallahassee spoke to the windshield with quiet confidence and a hint of humor. He’d been mocking Columbus’ fashion choices for a few days. The younger man saw it as an endearing attempt to continue their endless sparring turned flirting turned something far more intimate recently. Regardless, he let the hoodie string fall from his lips with an adamant reply.

“As opposed to running from them in cowboy boots? What does that do to your arches?”

The older man raised a hand from the steering wheel and pointed it towards the passenger side of the hummer in a disciplinary fashion. 

“First of all, I don’t run from the zombies. I run to them. There’s a difference.” He paused, nodding and staring forward at the empty highway. “And my arches are doing just fine. It’s all about the insoles.” 

“Hmm.” Columbus shifted in the seat to face his partner with genuine curiosity. “So, what do you use? Dr. Scholls or…cause I could use some more support myself. These sneakers are getting…”

The screech of the brakes cut Columbus off mid-sentence and the abrupt stop sent him flying forward from his sideways position. The seat beat stopped him from colliding with the dashboard, then pulled him violently back into the seat. The shock of the impact caused him to wince and curl further into leather backrest.

“Fuck.” Tallahassee’s hand found Columbus’ arm and squeezed an apology. “What is so important that you can’t slow down before you stop?”

Florida’s eyes never left the road ahead and Columbus followed them to a cherry red Ford F-150 complete with bullhorns strapped to the grill and one of those disgusting sets of fake testicles hanging from the rear. It rested crookedly on the side of the vacant road and shined in the sunlight like a still from a commercial. If Columbus didn’t know better, he would have expected a handsome smiling gentleman and his fake family to appear holding a set of keys with Matthew McConaughey narrating the touching moment. 

He did know better, though. 

“Would ya look at that beauty?” Tallahassee gently caressed Columbus’ arm before setting it free as a smile snaked across his angled face. “Just in time, too. This old girl’s on her last legs.” 

Columbus felt the blood drain from his face in a sudden paralyzing chill. His heart beat a marathon in his ears. Suddenly it became difficult to speak. An anxiety attack lay just around the corner, and with good reason. With a deep and painful breath, he grounded himself to the hummer and stuttered a few syllables. 

“No, we…we have to go. Now.”

Tallahassee examined him for a moment with squinty blue eyes, making a quiet assessment, before placing a calming hand on Columbus’ knee. He kept his voice soft and encouraging, no stranger to these sudden attacks. 

“Come on kid, it’s gonna be fine. Ain’t no zombies in sight. We’ll grab the truck and we’ll turn tail, like always.” 

Columbus swallowed, not wanting to see that truck but also unable to tear his eyes away from its presence. It felt like a ghost. Or maybe a dream. There could be no way that that truck, with the same fucking horns and balls, could still exist in any real way. Not since he left it behind. Not since he met Tallahassee. 

Not since he finally found safety. 

Tallahassee popped the driver’s side door open and leaned out. Columbus gripped the older man by the jacket sleeve and pulled back with his whole weight. This did little to stop his heavier partner, of course, but it conveyed his desperation to an embarrassing extent. If he had the time or luxury to be embarrassed, which he didn’t if they were going to make it to the next town alive. 

Columbus' entire body tensed with the fear of losing the one person he’d grown to, well, love. 

Tallahassee shook his head and shrugged an unspoken question, not understanding this sudden turn. 

“Let’s…let’s just find another truck. We’re in Texas. Everything’s bigger here, right? There must be an F-160 or 800 somewhere. Maybe even with bigger balls?” 

Florida eyed him with an unreadable expression, his head casually cocked. 

“What the hell is going on with you?” He clasped a hand over Columbus’ and carefully pried the fingers from his snakeskin. “You haven’t been this pussy’d up in months. There something I outta know?” 

Columbus had a big something that Tallahassee didn’t know, and it all involved that red truck. 

He took a deep breath and gave the slightest nod. He couldn’t lie to Tallahassee, his partner in more than one way. Florida had saved his life countless times and now, even if it meant disclosing another dark secret, he had to do everything he could to save this man. 

Tallahassee glanced at the truck longingly, sighed, and then lightly clicked his door closed. 

“Okay, I’m listening. What’s wrong with our new ride here?” 

Columbus turned his attention back to the truck and willed the persistent nausea away. Memories came to him in sounds first- a child’s scream, a gunshot, and a man laughing as one, two, three more shots rang out. Then the image of the woman, her face a puddle of blood on the ground. 

He blinked them all away and let the reflection from the red ceramic paint cast spots in his vision instead.

“Before we met, in Garland, I found another ride in a big red truck with balls on the back and horns on the front. In that fucking truck…” He nodded ahead. “…with a ma…monster…named Atlanta. He listened to horrible country music and his truck smelled like the stuff you spit out after chewing tobacco, but he offered to take me to Ohio, and I was just happy to have a ride. I should have just kept walking.” 

Tallahassee tensed and touched the knife attached to his belt. He spoke through clenched teeth.

“Did he do something to you?” 

Columbus met those concerned blue eyes and shook his head adamantly. 

“No, he never touched me. We stopped at this rest stop to fuel up and I left to use the bathroom. I heard gunshots and came back out and…” Suddenly the oxygen seemed to drain from the car. Tallahassee’s loving touch on the back of his neck brought him back from asphyxiation. “There were two men shot to death and I saw a woman on the ground crying. He was on top of her, like doing things to her and there was this child right next to her, like a fucking toddler, just bleeding from a hole in her head.” 

Silence filled the cab as Columbus tried to put into words the remainder of his post-apocalyptic horror story. Tallahassee’s fingers found his upper back and traced soothing circles through his shirt. Columbus resisted, knowing that comfort would come later if he could just convey the urgency of their situation now. 

“I pointed my gun at him and told him to stop. He stopped long enough to shoot the woman in the head. When he saw my gun, he started walking towards me and fired at me once. I dodged it, but I couldn’t pull the trigger. I..I couldn’t kill a person.” He sniffed. “They weren’t zombies, Tally. They were people. Actual living people trying to survive, just like us and he slaughtered them with a fucking smile.” 

Tallahassee tensed. His breathing quickened and he seemed to swallow something bitter. 

“Anyway, I managed to outrun him. I got to his truck first and I fucking took off.” 

Tallahassee sighed, his face relaxing into one of relief and pride. He gripped Columbus’ wrist with a widening smile. 

“You stole that fucker’s truck? I’m impressed.”

Columbus shook his head and insistently gripped Tallahassee’s arm.

“No, you don’t understand. I ran out of gas in Garland, not far from where I left that asshole. We’re not in Garland…” He shot a haunted glance towards the red vehicle. “…and this is not where I left that fucking truck.” 

Tallahassee’s face paled as their new reality set in. Then he sighed and retrieved a pistol from the glovebox, one of his many weapons. 

“Stay here, stay down, and lock the doors.” 

When he pulled on the door handle, Columbus reacted. 

“What? Fuck no.” He jumped out behind the older man and followed as he searched the backseat for ammunition. “Didn’t you hear me? We have to go, now. Before he comes back.” 

“Oh, I heard ya.” Tallahassee loaded his semi-automatic rifle, his face creased in anger. “Can’t let someone like that keep breathing. Not while he has it out for you. That’s why you’re gonna stay in the damn car.” 

Columbus froze in place. The car held safety, everything he’d ever wanted since zombies ruined, well, everything. Then there was Tallahassee, the person he never knew he needed until he met him on that abandoned highway while on the run from a homicidal maniac. The man who had given him protection, friendship, companionship, and love beyond anything he ever expected. To be safe without him didn’t feel good or right, it just felt empty. 

“No.” Columbus reached into the backseat and grabbed his double barrel. “No, if you’re going after that fucker, then I’m going with you. We’re partners, right?” 

Tallahassee silently slung the gun over his shoulder and started towards the truck, ignoring Columbus’ impassioned question. He followed a few steps behind the older man, his hands clamped tightly over the double barrel and his heart pounding with equal levels of fear and determination. Finally, Florida realized that his cold shoulder wasn’t going to win this argument. 

“I said, stay in the car.”

“Well you’re not the boss of me so…” 

“I’m the boss of the fucking car and I said…” Tallahassee about-faced and met his eyes pointedly. “…stay in it!” 

Columbus made himself taller, defying his partner’s orders with conviction. 

“No. This isn’t just some fucking zombie. Someone has to have your back.”

They held an intense staring contest for a solid thirty seconds, both unwavering in their positions. Florida breathed heavily with a face like the wrathful bull in those cartoons. Columbus stuck his chest out and stood tall. It was Tallahassee who finally broke, his nostrils flared and anger creasing his entire face.

“Stay behind me and out of my way, no matter what happens.” He cocked his gun. “And I’m not making it quick to preserve your precious eyes.” 

Columbus took big steps to keep up with the older man. His heartrate increased the closer they got to that dreaded vehicle. It nearly pounded out of his chest when he noticed the details that hadn’t left his memory, even after nearly a year of separation. 

The yellow scrapes on the bumper, acquired that time Atlanta pushed that Bug out of the road, still stood out proudly on the black matte surface. The drivers-side mirror hung loose thanks to that mailbox Columbus hit during his daring escape. The truck bed contained the same red and yellow gas container, the one that had spilled everywhere after the cap came loose, forcing them to stop at that rest stop and meet up with an innocent family. 

Had he offered them a ride before he killed them in cold blood? More than likely. Atlanta could be a charismatic son-of-a-bitch when he wanted to be. 

Tallahassee raised his arm, their signal for Columbus to keep his distance. His stomach did flip-flops in his gut as Florida approached the driver’s side door, and for a moment he thought he might actually throw up. Gripping the double barrel until his knuckles turned white, he slowly followed a few feet behind the older man. When Tallahassee stopped, face to face with the window, Columbus put his finger on the trigger. 

Then, nothing. 

Tallahassee lowered his gun, peered further into the truck, and did a quick back and forth scan of the area. Then he turned around and shrugged.

“No one here. Probably ran out of gas and took off.” 

The words contained no relief, only frustration. 

Slowly, Columbus approached the cab. The quiet became so loud that his feet made audible dragging noises on the gravel. Three deep breaths later he stopped at the window and carefully peered through the smudged glass. 

The inside hadn’t changed much. The tan leather seat appeared empty except for a brown leather jacket, an unopened can of chewing tobacco, and one more thing that made the hair on his arms stand at attention.

The fucking luger pistol with the initials DP carved into the side. 

Columbus’ breath hitched and he took two backwards steps away from the truck. He bumped into Tallahassee’s cautionary hand and circled around in a dizzying mix of confusion and dread. 

“His luger is here. He’d never leave that fucking thing behind.”

Rage crept over Tallahassee’s face as he peered over Columbus’ shoulder. He grabbed the younger man by the arm and pulled him behind his back. Columbus spun just in time to see the monster that haunted his dreams zipping up his fly and stepping out of a sea of trees. Husky and short, he wore multiple layers of flannel and kept his long greasy hair in a tangled ponytail.

“Ohio, bout time we met again.” He took two steps forward. “You made me walk all the way to Garland, ya slippery little shit.” He cast a glance at Tallahassee and smiled. “Who’s this? Your new bodyguard?” 

Columbus’ chest tightened. Tallahassee raised his gun and spoke through clenched teeth.

“I prefer partner.” Columbus found buried courage in the proud declaration. “We’re gonna need to borrow your truck again, Hannibal. See, I like big trucks and big balls and I happen to like Ohio too, so I’m not gonna let ya kill him today.” 

Atlanta scoffed. He took a casual stance near the hood of his truck, hands easily at his sides, and focused his beady eyes on Columbus. It was the same look that always made the young man’s skin crawl. The same one he’d woken up to in the cab of that truck the night before the massacre. 

“I should have killed you that first day on the road. My mistake. See, I thought you’d be a fun little plaything to keep me occupied for a while. Hunting’s fun, but dead people don’t talk back. Get’s on your nerves though, don’t he?” He spoke to Tallahassee, but never pried his eyes from Columbus. “Like a cute little puppy until he gets too whiney and you have to squash him under your boot.” 

Atlanta stomped his left foot and made a show of crouching down to its level.

Tallahassee inhaled, preparing for a kill shot.

That’s when Columbus remembered the ankle holster. 

He stepped away from his partner’s protective body and raised his gun with steady hands. A single quick shot tore through Atlanta’s groin and sent him tumbling to the ground. Columbus turned to Tallahassee.

“His ankle. He’s armed.” 

A second shot rang out from Tallahassee’s gun and caught Atlanta in his hand, eliciting a torturous stream of colorful language. While the monster lay fetal and groaning, Florida swiped the pistol and patted him down for additional weapons. 

“Oh, he sure does get on my nerves. Doesn’t listen to a word I say. Be real fucking boring if he did, I guess.” Tallahassee sent Columbus a teasing grin. “He’s a hell of a shot, though, and he’s saved my life more than once.” 

Atlanta writhed on the ground, holding his junk in his one whole hand as if trying to keep it all together. Florida towered over the monster and put the gun to his stomach. 

“Which means I have to kill you, you raping, murdering son-of-a-bitch. It’s gonna hurt for a long while first and we’re gonna steal your truck in the meantime.” He kicked a rib, eliciting a whimper. “So’s to make sure you never hurt another innocent human being again.” 

Florida cackled and placed his finger on the trigger, shooting another smaller hole in the monster’s chest. He shuttered, cried out, and became a gasping puddle of blood in moments.

Satisfied that the enemy was down for good, Tallahassee joined Columbus a few feet away. That crooked cocky smile and soft eyes made Columbus’ stomach flip with a combination of relief and love. The older man’s hand found his upper arm and squeezed lovingly. 

“You know this is how it’s gotta be, right?” 

Columbus watched Atlanta struggling for every agonizing breath and thought of the woman’s terrified face as he pinned her into the dirt and the child’s bloodied skull. He took a breath and nodded, meeting his partner’s concerned eyes. 

“I know.” 

“Alright then. Let’s get our gear.” He walked towards the hummer and tossed the keys to their new ride. They bounced off Columbus’ chest and into his free hand. “You drive.” 

Columbus took another look at the red truck and relief flooded his body. It no longer felt like a ticking time bomb dropped back at his feet. Now, with its evil inhabitant dying, it represented redemption, renewed strength, and something else.

“Get a move on, would ya?” Tallahassee’s teasing resumed. “I know a place where we can find ya some looser pants.” 

Love.


End file.
